Friday, November 19, 2004

A beautiful paint job hopelessly marred...*

I know the absence of my scathing commentary has been keenly felt. The latest fake mad cow, McGee2, Amanda's new lifestyle venture, not to mention ten million discussions of how to cook a turkey, all have passed without my invaluable insight. I haven't even had a chance to mention how retarded NPR's Hidden Kitchens is for not even knowing about the WPA America Eats project until Mark Kurlansky called them. Attention professionals: will someone put out a fucking book of the thing already?

You can already feel the frisson, can't you? But adventures in home improvement have denied me the time to waste fucking off on the internet and enlivening your pathetic cubes. I haven't even read a word of print since approximately Creflo Dollar, and that was on a plane. Anyway, a visiting friend, observing my sisyphean labors the other day, said: "you can tell you spent a lot of time painting rich people's houses." And in fact many years ago, when I still toiled among the laboring classes who really work for a living, said rich people did pay me to do things to their houses, including applying paint. As I learned about the perfect paint job and how to apply it, I secretly nourished the belief that this knowledge and skill would pay off some day, when I had a house of my own (along with the servants and other amenities I require). Well, let me tell you something, people. Sitting around on your ass and reading books for ten years is not conducive to the maintenance of any kind of manual skill. I'm so weak I can barely lift a fucking paintbrush. As for knowledge, it is a curse. If I hadn't wasted my youth working for the man, I wouldn't give a shit about the goddamn paintjob, and I would now be reclining in ignorant bliss with a single lumpy coat of Navajo White separating me from my decrepit walls, oblivious to the squalor that enveloped me.

But this is not to be, and combined with holidays and real work (however un-manual), will prevent me from doing much more to entertain you for the calendar year. Oh yeah, I have to leave the country now too.

*[In case you were wondering].


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