Tuesday, October 04, 2005

democracy in action

I am probably the only person in the world who's never had an idea for a screenplay, but today must be genius day. Any agents out there who want to make a shitload of money, give me a call. Think Elmore Leonard x Henry James x Aeschylus. [Although, under Alex Ross's influence, I'm thinking it would make a sweet opera too]. Seriously: someone tell me how you sell a screenplay without actually having to write anything.

Hey midwesterners: what the fuck is wrong with you? I tried to listen to the Cardinals game on your radio station, and I had to switch to the SD feed after 1/3 inning. The guy started channelling a leg-humping French Canadian dog when Edmonds hit his HR in the first. And why do the Cards have an official hand cleaning product? At least now I know why Joe Buck, Jr. is such a douche.

Speaking of which, the title of world's biggest douchebag has become hotly contested. Nominations now include: me, Athanasius of Alexandria, Thomas Krens, Joe Buck, and some guy in the White House. I suggest that we exclude the last, as "politicians" seem to transcend the category. Who can choose between Pol Pot and Hitler?

But the choice is yours. Vote in the comments.

For old time's sake, let's throw Dennis Kozlowski and David Denby in the ring.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

After the fellatory commentary about Chicago's superiority, I'd have to say that the ABC/ESPN ALDS announcers are the biggest douchebags in the world.

Athanasius comes in second because spreading christianity is so very douche-y. He's dead though, so he should be taken off the list and replaced with Bill Paxton or Fabian Basabe.

Wed Oct 05, 05:33:00 PM GMT  
Anonymous dana said...

For what it's worth, N couldn't even find a station streaming the Cards game in any format other than the evil RealAudio empire. So you should be more grateful.

Wed Oct 05, 06:28:00 PM GMT  
Blogger la depressionada said...

frank bruni comes to mind.

Wed Oct 05, 06:29:00 PM GMT  
Blogger mmw said...

Ah, excellent point. It has been argued that Sutcliffe is the most annoying person in the world. But the solution is, as always, TiVo: sidle up to your TV about 2:00 into the game. [You must not answer the phone or consume any other media for this to work]. Fire it up on Fast Forward. It's slow enough that you don't miss anything, and most importantly, no audio OR close-captioning. Make sure to record at least an extra hour, at least if Matt Clement is "pitching."

BTW, Athanasius is on the list not for spreading Christianity, but for killing Arians.

I'm pretty sure you got to pay mlb to get the stream, choice of .wmv or .ra. And Bruni isn't even as much of a douche as Judy Miller.

Wed Oct 05, 06:42:00 PM GMT  
Anonymous kk said...

A compelling list, but none of those other guys shot rubberbands in my eyes.

Wed Oct 05, 06:52:00 PM GMT  

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