Let me tell you about my mother
Although I stumbled on all of my knowledge about food accidentally, like a dusty bottle of Cheval Blanc in a Hollywood Boulevard convenience store, I can actually be quite smart. I like to wear ridiculous disguises and expose myself at the same time. I've distilled the wisdom of my many years writing about food to this: you really need to buy some expensive stainless steel appliances if you want your neighbors to take you seriously.
Huh. That's really not very funny, is it?